Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me