I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.