Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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