I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
