I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
