I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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