I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
