This girl is more easily done than said...
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
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The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
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I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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