I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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