FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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