just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
