please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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