He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.