I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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