i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
