You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
