You just made me feel so damn special
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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