Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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