wake up i wanna do it froggy style
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
