I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?