today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
