My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
