just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
