Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
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He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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