I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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