There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
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That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
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So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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