I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying