True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
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And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
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he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning