I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
