If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
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So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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