The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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