i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
