I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
