your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
