Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
