I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
