I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
