you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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