His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week