Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
