why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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