I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
