If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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