this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
