Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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