Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
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I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
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Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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