So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
