Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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