I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
