I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My bed smells like the plague
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
