I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
