Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.