Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
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He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
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You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.